Did you hear the news? Having a baby is the "in thing" to do. All the girls are doing it.
I have been ready to be a mom for a few years now. I love babies and have always been excited of the prospect of having one of my very own. One that knows who you are, looks like you and your spouse, and cries because they want you. For the past two years, I've watched friend after friend announce their pregnancies and then welcome their little bundles of joy into the world. I have long dreamt of this feeling and looked forward to my turn.
Some of you know our baby struggles. I warn you that the information below gets a little personal. Maybe an over-share, but this is my outlet so I'm going to proceed. So if you don't want to know certain things about me, then I would stop reading now.
Last March my husband and I decided we were in a good place in our lives to finally start the family I've always wanted. The first few months were the hardest. When my period didn't arrive I thought "Is this it? That didn't take any time at all." Nope. That wasn't it. When it didn't arrive for the next two months I began to grow a little concerned and set an appointment with my doctor. Everyone kept telling me, "Its just the birth control cycling out of your body. It can take up to three months for your body to regulate. Don't worry about it". By the time my appointment came, I was on month 4 of no visitor. What the heck?! My doctor quickly dismissed the theory of the birth control "cycling out" and said that she believed I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - A relatively common issue which causes a hormone imbalance that can inhibit ovulation. Really? But I have no other symptoms of this. I don't know about you, but when I think of women who have this, I think of large, bearded women. Now, I'm no stranger to the occasional rogue hair but I wouldn't consider myself hairy. So I asked her. "Do you think it would help if I lost weight?" Fully expecting her to say "Yeah, you're well on your way to joining the fat, hairy, circus ladies, so you'd better drop a few pounds". But she didn't. She said that I was well below the top of the weight curve for someone my age and height and that losing weight wouldn't do me any good. Unfortunately there wasn't a clear cause for why I have it, but that I have it. Fantastic. I love unexplained, unfix-able issues. Still, I figured it couldn't hurt to shed a few pounds so I've been focusing on eating right and conditioning my hip/back to accept workouts 3-5 times a week. I'm sad to say, my doctor was right. It hasn't helped the process and now I'm just hungry and sweaty. At least I'm still not hairy! Point for me!
By October I had finally gotten my visitor twice. Yeah! A small sigh of relief. "I'm not totally dead inside!" My doctor recommended that I try a highly successful medicine to help make me ovulate regularly. She cautioned me that I really shouldn't take this medicine unless we were certain that we wanted a child now. "You will most likely get pregnant within 4 months of taking this medicine" she said. I replied with an ecstatic "Bring it on!" A magic pill that will give us a baby? We were all for it!
Well......Nothing. The first three cycles they said they were pretty sure it was "working" but just not how they would have hoped. Instead of putting me on a "normal" 28 day cycle, it put me on a 45 day cycle. I guess this is better than a 90 or 120 day cycle, right? So they bumped my dosage and again, nothing. What?! This medicine has an 80% success rate. Am I really in that 20% chance of failures? I hate 20%. Did you know that there was only a 20% chance of rain on our wedding day? C'mon! Ha ha ha I had to throw that in for laughs. But really? 20% is not my friend.
That brings us to present day. It has now been a year of "trying". But, its kind of hard to "try" when things don't cooperate. Between my ovulation issues and my husbands various health issues and job stress, the past year has been a struggle. We finally met with a fertility specialist this week and have accepted that things aren't going to be easy for us. It was actually quite comforting being in her office. For the first time in a few months I actually had a glimmer of hope and excitement back. Not that I've completely given up, but I've just gotten to the point where I'm over worrying about it. Its exhausting. Women always talk about reaching that point of "not caring anymore" and poof they get pregnant. I never fully understood how you could get to that point and completely "shut your mind off" when you want something so badly. Now I get it. Its not something I can explain. You just reach a threshold where the feeling of failure month after month is too much to deal with and you do just that. You "shut your mind off" and focus on other things. I'm finally there.
With everything said, the whole reason for my post is that while our baby plans are delayed, we still have so much to be thankful for. We have been blessed in every aspect of our lives. I am so thankful for our family, friends and everything that we have. I know a baby will come in time. Shoot. We'll probably luck out and get three at once. Oh dear lord! I hope not but we'll take what we're given. I joke with my husband that this is God's way of teaching me patience. I think its working. We are meant to be parents and we will be great at it. The question is when? Until then, we will take life as it comes. We will enjoy wearing spit-up free clothing and having full nights of uninterrupted sleep. We will quietly laugh at our friends who are too tired to think straight, have peas on their shirts and cheerios in their hair. We too will experience these days. But for now, we will enjoy our time together, just the two of us.