Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Think Positive. Think Positive. Think Positive.

This is the mantra I've been chanting to myself lately because this has been a rough couple of weeks emotionally.  These days, I pretty much have weekly appointments with the fertility specialist.  After the appointment with my doctor on Monday I tried to remain optimistic.  However today was another appointment and I'm trying to dig deep for some positive thinking.  I'm pretty bummed out right now because it's official.  I have a very laaaazzzzzy ovary.

We've been working with a fertility specialist for the past few months, and so far all of my tests have come back great.  This is good news and bad news.  Good news because there is nothing glaringly wrong with me that they can fix, but bad news because clearly one of my ovaries is not working well, if at all, and they don't know why - other than the whole Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome mumbo jumbo - which I'm still not fully convinced I have.  But anyways, last month my doctor put me on a new medicine and it worked beautifully.  I actually had my first "normal" cycle in over a year.  Yay!  However, based on past evidence we knew this month would be more difficult, so she doubled my dosage.

Monday when I went in for my mid-cycle evaluation to see how I was responding to the medicine we determined that the response was less than stellar.  There was nothing of notable size.  She could tell that there were eggs in there but they were taking a vacation.  (Maybe they wanted to be back in Arizona?  I know I sure do.)  They looked nothing like what they expect them to look like halfway through a cycle.  She looked at me with a look of dissapointment and asked if I was okay.  Okay?  Of course I'm okay.  I had a feeling this was going to happen.  I was hopeful the medicine would work this month but I tried not to get my hopes up.  I know my body pretty well and my ovary is tired.

That was Monday.  I was still feeling pretty optimistic because she said we'd give it a few days and check again on Friday.  Well, today is Friday and there was no change at all. They said I could go back in next week to check again but most likely this month is a waste and I will not ovulate.  This sucks.  I know that's not a very descriptive, blog-worthy word but it's the truth.  It just sucks.  Not to mention, each one of these appointments costs a few hundred dollars and insurance doesn't cover any of it.  This is an expensive month and I have nothing to show for it.  Not even hope.  Did I mention this sucks?

I don't mean to come off negative.  I'm just really disappointed which translates into crankiness so I apologize to anyone who's experienced uptight Emily lately.  Like I said, I've had to dig deeply for some positive thinking.  Through writing this blog and reflecting on our situation I've come to realize the silver lining is that I have six good months out of the year where we can try for a baby.  And I'm still young...ish.  I'm only 27 and I still have at least eight really good baby-making years left.  Some women don't have that luxury.  I'm thankful for the time I have, since time is what we need.


  1. I would never associate you with the word lazy so I find it kind of ironic that part of your internal system is so lazy... I like your silver lining with 6 good months, but I agree that it does suck! It's so hard for me to watch friends and family have fertility trouble, especially when they are good people deserving of bringing up a baby in their home. Why is it that the irresponsible 14 year-olds have no trouble gettin' knocked up 3 times before their 18, but good people have to work so hard for it to happen for them.

    I have watched as Chris's sister has struggled to get pregnant now for almost 6 years. It's tough! I guess it's good that they haven't found any issues, but that's also frustrating because it doesn't make sense why it hasn't happened yet. Might be too personal of me to ask, but have you guys looked into Ian as well as part of these appointments? Chris's sister has had a hard time convincing her husband to get checked out is why I ask.
    I hope that you continue to think in the positive, because I know that stressing out about it won't help in the least. Even in the months that we were trying it is hard to not stress out about it and wonder if it's going to happen that month or not.
    Sorry for the long response, but I like reading your journey :)

  2. Just letting you know that I love you both and your time is coming. Remember you need to live your life as best as you can with as little stress as possible. Take each day and allow it to be a happy day or at least one that you feel as content as you can be. It make take a few more Arizona trips but it will happen.